Category Archives: Health

“I’m Okay.”

Posted on by Standard 3

As I lay in my hospital room, I can’t help but to ask myself why bad things happen to good people. Have you ever thought about the ways our lives play out? Why do bad things happen to good people (and I am in no way referring to myself)? The most beautiful people that I’ve encountered in my life are the people who have endured the most heartbreak. The strongest people I know are the ones who go home at the end of the day feeling like they’re the weakest. Why is it that the most beautiful spirits are the ones that struggle so much? Is it because the rest of us are so oblivious to the world around us to realize how thankful we should be? I’ve learned that when I lose myself, I somehow manage to figure everything out when I am trapped between these hospital walls- the dreary, lonely, hospital walls. Maybe it’s the beeping and buzzing in the hallway that makes me realize I’m not alone. I know that the patient in the room next door is hearing the same beeping that I hear (if they’re conscious) and for some reason I am able to find peace in that- the realization that I am far from alone. Maybe it was my caring nurse who basically searched the hospital up and down to find the specific drink I requested because I’m allergic to just about everything else. Maybe I chalk it all up to my amazing mother who is attempting to sleep in an uncomfortable chair beside this hospital bed (for the 100th time). What if I’m only finding peace due to the realization that others around me are hurting more? Why is it that we as human beings allow ourselves to dismiss our own pain just because someone, somewhere, is hurting more? Why can’t we realize that it’s okay to accept the pain we’re enduring? Because a stranger on the other side of the Earth is worse off than me, I should just pretend that my pain is irrelevant? WHY must we all feel the need to explain ourselves for each and every thought that runs through our never-resting minds?

After a solid 48 hours of living hell, I am here to spread the message that I have relearned today: “It’s okay not to be okay.” Every time I land within these hospital walls, I turn to the only thing that I know will never leave me- music. As soon as I get the opportunity, I find my headphones and drown out the hospital buzz with the familiar lyrics that bring myself back to sanity with a message that puts everything back into perspective; It’s okay not to be okay.

Jessie J, thank you for using your voice to share the message that is responsible for guiding me through dark and difficult days. Without fail, your lyrics are the first ones that come to mind when I am trapped between these hospital walls. The funny thing is, your lyrics are so familiar to me that they still manage to come to me even when I’m completely out of my mind. Although I wasn’t aware of it at the time, I now know that it was your music that pulled me through the complications that arose from my previous surgeries. As I was waking up from anesthesia, my mother and nurse encouraged me to listen to music to distract me from the pain and discomfort I was feeling. Now that I have recovered from the trauma of that situation, it makes me smile to look back and see how much your lyrics helped me cope with the pain that I thought would never end. Most people embarrass themselves by talking nonsense as they come out of anesthesia- I sing. I typically cringe when a friend or family member tells me that they have a video of me that was taken while I was “loopy”, but when I heard myself sing the first line of lyrics, it was different. You see, normally I make a major effort to “be strong” for myself and those around me. I’m a “fake it ’til I make it” kind of girl. When I saw the video of myself groggily singing along to your lyrics, I was overcome by a feeling that I haven’t fully allowed myself to express up until now- vulnerability. Sometimes I believe that the only time I’m truly being myself is when I’m singing; I found this to be all too true when I saw videos of myself singing “Big White Room” and “Who You Are” as I was recovering from surgery. Thanks to the anesthesia, the true emotions that I’ve always tried to hide, came through. I remember being in an indescribable amount of pain and saying, “You have no idea how hard I’m fighting to keep it together. I don’t want to start crying.” The anesthesia must have been wearing off at this point, because I clearly remember my nurse immediately responding by telling me that I don’t have to be a hero all the time. Until that moment, I couldn’t believe how much time I’d spent trying to be something that I wasn’t- “Okay”. The truth is, by sharing this message along with the video, I feel more “real” than I have in a very long time. This is me, the real Brynn- I’m vulnerable. I’m scared that I’ll never accomplish everything that I’d dreamt of because of this cruel illness. I’m heartbroken for the opportunities that I’ve missed out on and experiences that I won’t get the chance to live out- But I am so much more than a sad story. I’m the success story. In spite of all the negatives I’ve faced and all the lows I’ve hit, I’m Okay.

If you ever need to have things put into perspective, all you have to do is spend a few moments within these hospital walls. You’ll realize that for every tear shed of sadness, there are even more cries of relief. For every life that is lost, another is saved. Hospitals are places of celebration- that’s something that you will never understand until you see it for yourself. These hospital walls contain more hope than despair.  This is the hospital that made me understand that not everyone gets second chances, but those who do are less likely to take them for granted.

To each person who lays an eye on my story, please believe me when I say that if you’re struggling, it’s okay to talk about it. If you aren’t okay in the moment, I can guarantee that you will be one step closer to “okay” by the time you acknowledge it.

-Brynn

 

 

 

Opportunities

Posted on by Standard Reply

“I don’t believe that old cliché that good things come to those who wait. I think good things come to people who want something so bad they can’t sit still.” -Ashton Kutcher

I hate it when people say that they “never get good opportunities” or “oh, if only I had been given the opportunity to”… For the most part, good opportunities don’t just fall into your lap. You have to get up and hunt them down yourselves. Opportunities are always out there waiting — some of us just have to search a little harder than others. On August 11th of 2013, I was one of the millions of kids sitting in front of the television set as Ashton Kutcher gave his monumental acceptance speech at the Teen Choice Awards. If I’m being honest, I never really paid much attention to acceptance speeches at award shows — I was just tuning in to see the musical performances. I often made it a priority to be sure not to miss major televised events because I didn’t want to be that girl to walk into a conversation and pretend I knew every detail about a subject when in reality, I had no idea what was being discussed. The thought of being unable to contribute to a conversation made me uncomfortable. While I am relieved to be able to say that I’ve outgrown the petty fears that once plagued my mind, I am thankful that they led me to hearing Ashton’s speech that night. If it had not been so important to me to be able to discuss the latest happenings on Twitter, I would have missed it.

Let’s be real — society doesn’t seem to expect much when it comes to acceptance speeches these days. I guess that’s why it’s considered a “big deal” when someone says something that is not only worth hearing, but worth sharing with all your friends on social media, too. Usually acceptance speeches consist of a bunch of “thank you”s and rambling off a long list of names before being cut-off by music as a cue to exit the stage. When Ashton (or as we’ve learned, Chris) took the podium and began to talk about opportunities and “being sexy”, he pulled my attention away from my phone and shifted my focus to the message that he gave us that night. For as long as I can remember, I can recall hearing celebrities and other public figures stress to their audiences that it is possible to turn your dreams into realities if you’re willing to fight for them. While there will always be people out there who are quick to shoot down the idea that “anything is possible”, there are even more people who are fighting to turn their desires into realities. I happen to fall into the category of people who are crazy enough to believe that we all hold the power to accomplish anything. Well, almost anything.

It’s obvious that there will always be circumstances that we have don’t have much control over, except for how we respond to those unforeseeable circumstances. I’d love it if I could cure illness by the snap of my fingers, but I haven’t acquired that skill yet. I can, however, spread the word about invisible illnesses. As my story makes its way around the internet, I am finally realizing that the hopes and dreams that I’ve had for as long as I can remember, are in the process of coming true. Here’s the catch- I never wanted it to happen this way.

As a little girl, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d simply laugh and respond with “Famous”! I still have flashbacks to singing and dancing around the living room when I was five. I can remember my mom asking me to entertain my baby brother while she finished cooking dinner — she would put him in his high-chair and I would skip around the table singing whatever song we learned in kindergarten that day. I often talked about how I wanted to be on TV. I wanted to tell stories. As soon as I learned how to read and write, I wrote plays & skits. I always made sure to give myself the lead role, and then I would “direct” my siblings and friends to “Do what I say!!” I’d plan out every detail of my scenes — right down to the creepy music that foreshadowed Little Red Riding Hood was in danger. I had my future planned out beautifully; I could write stories with the intent to have them later turned into movies. I’d be the director as well as one of the leading actors. The funny thing is, I never once questioned my plans for the future. I had no idea that the story that was going to put my name on the radar would be my own: My battle against chronic illness.

For a while, I was bitter over the idea that my future had been ruined because of my multiple illnesses. I thought that surely, any opportunities out there would be taken from me because I was sick. It was around this time that I thought back to Ashton Kutcher’s speech about opportunities looking like hard work. Why should one factor of my life control every part of my future? Being sick makes it much more difficult to get anything accomplished, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t doable. Illness has taken a lot away from me, but I do have one quality that has only grown stronger- my voice. I am finally being heard. As my health continued to decline, I became passionate about raising awareness for myself and others who are living with invisible illnesses. What was originally one story interview to raise awareness became the stepping stone that opened up my eyes to even more opportunities. On May 1st, 2015, my life changed when I woke up to discover that my story had made headlines around the world thanks to CNN’s feature about me; Brynn Duncan, the girl allergic to life, Bubble Girl.

If there is one lesson that I’ve learned in the amount of time that has gone by since sharing my story, it’s this — We have to stop waiting for tomorrow. For months, I’ve been so focused on what message I wanted to share with everyone that I failed to realize that the clock is ticking. I’ve had so many opportunities thrown my way since sharing my story. I became so overwhelmed and caught up over which path to take that I ended up passing them by because I was waiting for “tomorrow” (to feel better). I’ve finally realized that just as a tomorrow isn’t promised, I can’t keep putting the brakes on opportunities when I’m struggling with my health. We have to stop wishing for better tomorrows. We have to get up and fight for them.

Opening up about my health struggle to such a large audience has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life, yet the most rewarding experience at the same time. I knew that sharing my story would be difficult, but I had no idea that it would end up being one of the best decisions that I’d ever make. One opportunity at a time, I am using my voice to help anyone who has ever struggled know that they’re not alone. It hasn’t been an easy road. This illness has knocked me down far more times than I’ll ever be able to count, but I know that I will always have people around to pick me up when I’m down. Do you want to know the best part of the story? I’m just getting started.